There has been something I’ve not handled well for a while now. It needs addressing.
My wife is at a point in her life where she is perimenopausal. My son is in the throes of puberty, seventh grade hell.
And I feel I cannot make either of them happy.
There are days, there are times, where I feel nothing I do is right, nothing I do can help, there are days I feel quite alone. Maybe not alone, I actually cherish solitude. But lonely.
My wife recently received a promotion. She is doing wonderful at work. It is a challenging position. She works long days, at home, but some days she will go from wake to sleep. Her blood pressure is up; her stress is up. Her health has taken a hit; she is often pulled in a thousand different directions.
I’ve had to adjust my role. My position is much less demanding. If I’m being immodestly honest, my role comes very naturally – I don’t need to try very hard, but people think I perform magic with what I’m able to accomplish.
So, I’ve tried taking on much more around the house. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, and dishes. My son’s school, helping with homework, coaching his team. Running errands.
I sure as hell am no saint.
I had a lot of frustration at first – I had been used to being the one who was very important at work. At times I have felt lately, in order to make my wife happy, I need to be a “Suzy homemaker” and try to take all other burdens off her.
I got mad at this flip. Most-likely because of some old-fashioned notion engrained in my head about our gender-stereotypical roles being reversed. She was now the important boss, the leader, the critical worker who everyone goes to for help. I had an easy job (to me) and I was taking on more housework duties. Consciously, I knew this was a good thing to do, and it is what being a good husband is about. Intellectually, rationally, I understand that we are a team.
However, subconsciously, emotionally, I may feel emasculated? I don’t know. Perhaps some antiquated gender bias? But as I did more, the more it seemed my wife would point out to me the things I did wrong. Perhaps it was meant as constructive criticism? But I may have been sensitive, and possibly resentful; so, I often feel it is unjustified. And I could take on all this stuff, do laundry, dishes, clean the house, but I messed up cooking something, that’s where the focus would go. It has gotten better…but yes, I was definitely resentful for a while.
Nights slamming bourbon, playing videogames, just trying to detach.
Angry – Bitter – Indignant
Angry – Distant – Numb
I do not see “resentful” on my feelings wheel, but this is the predominant feeling I can identify with.
I also feel:
Sad – Lonely – Isolated
On top of not making my wife happy, my son, with whom I used to be a hero; is now embarrassed by me and embarrassed to be seen with me. He no longer wants to hang out and has started to fight with me over every single word it seems. Over incredibly small, trivial items. I know he is looking for ways to assert his independence. Intellectually, I know this is part of puberty, part of growing up. Another part is hormonal insanity, especially when he is down and negative and just wants to stay in that headspace, regardless of any external influence to push him out of it. It all comes naturally with the territory of being a teenager.
Fearful – Rejected – Excluded
Angry – Let Down – Disrespected
Sad – Hurt – Disappointed
I feel I can’t make either of them happy.
As I look at my feelings wheel, there are truly only 25% of all feelings, that are what I would call ‘pleasant’ feelings. And just as silly as it is that I felt the need to be happy all the time, it is equally ridiculous to expect my wife and son to be happy all the time. For every one pleasant emotion; there are three unpleasant ones.
Just as I am human and I’m designed and meant to feel them all; so too are my wife and son. How absolutely asinine of me then, to place my value as a husband and father on the ability to make my wife and son happy.
Or anyone for that matter.
Happiness, like all other emotions, comes from within us as individuals. It may be sparked from external influence; but like all other emotions, it stems from within us. From our relative perspectives of those external events we experience.
I’ve been told I am a highly-empathetic leader, coach, mentor, friend, etc. My empathy with my family however, seems to be so much more prominent. My high sensitivity catches all their emotions, and I end up absorbing them as my own. If they are happy, then I am happy. And while it is an inalienable right to pursue happiness…
It is not guaranteed.
Pursuit, yes. Is it a right to feel happy? No. Is it possible to maintain happiness indefinitely? No.
Therefore, it is unreasonable to expect to sit in happiness, either for me as an individual, or my loved ones, as some sort of right we are entitled to within existence.
The more I lean into my feelings, the stupider I begin to feel. Conceptually, this emotional pull to make loved ones happy is good. It is not, however, realistic or sustainable. We all were meant to feel a broad range of emotions. It is, as they say: “it’s ok to not be ok” – anonymous.
Perimenopausal wife. Hormonal teenager. They will be going through some shit. 3 to 1 ratio of unpleasant feelings to pleasant ones. They must be allowed to experience the broad range of human emotion, just as I am finding out we all were meant to.
The mark of a good husband and father isn’t to try to “fix” their emotions towards happiness. It is to be present, supportive, listen, and be there for them for whatever emotions and struggles they are experiencing. The very thing that is good, my love towards them, is the very thing that makes it hard for me to pull back. The more emotionally invested I am in another; the harder it is to be objective towards them. Instead of applying pressure towards happiness, I should instead be the empathetic leader I have been applauded for being and help them through their respective challenges in life. Be understanding. Listen. Support them. Being a good father and husband isn’t about me, it’s about them. While I know I need more self-love and self-care, that is on me to work that within myself. It doesn’t rest with them to create the environment I feel most pleasant in.
To be there with them, with whatever they are going through. Offer them an ear, when an ear is all that is needed. Offer them space when space is needed. If a solution is requested, offer one, but learn to refrain from provided unsolicited solutions. At times, all they need is my attention. My affection. Not a ‘fix.’
To be a leader, as a father and a husband.