I did not wish to travel in a bad snowstorm to an optional social function; leaving my twelve-year-old son home alone for an evening.
I had to ‘gear up’ to text my group of friends we were supposed to meet in order to prepare for the backlash I expected would come from canceling – even with just cause – due to the poor driving conditions.
I finally arrived at the approach I knew I had to take.
State my piece, then let the silence speak.
I would text my decision; then not reply to what I expected would be the many counterarguments coming back at my decision.
Two of my friends in this group, who are extreme extroverts, commented back with several salvos on my decision to stay home after I informed them. I didn’t reply as planned. But I read each reply. I was left feeling the following emotions:
Anger – Humiliated – Ridiculed
Sad – Guilty – Ashamed
Sad – Hurt – Disappointed
I had decided to open up to my friends about my struggles with OCD and anxiety. About how I was not comfortable leaving my son home alone and traveling out in inclement weather to just hang out for an optional social event. My friends’ responses were not only dismissive of my anxious feelings, but quite frankly, ruthlessly demeaning. I won’t go into the specifics; but the responses implied I needed to “man up.”
Two days later, I am still obsessively fixated on this incident. Now I feel:
Anger – Let Down – Betrayed/Disrespected
Disgusted – Disappointed – Appalled
Disgusted – Repelled – Hesitant
I have been having recurring, obsessive thoughts of being made fun of next time I see them. I fantasize about over-reacting. Letting the anger take over. Screaming at them for not taking my mental and emotional health seriously; for having a laugh at my struggles.
I daydream of throwing them out of my house as I think “with friends like these who needs enemies?”
I imagine cutting them out of my life, establishing a boundary for myself to not be treated this way. I enjoy and revel in the fear and pain I could cause them by lashing out at them.
One friend in particular, I want to point out and make fun of all his flaws and faults back to him. I want revenge. I want to do to him, what he did to me.
OCD at its finest. And it’s ugliest.
And now I am low. I am down. I feel:
Sad – Empty – Depressed.
I have ran from, hid, and buried my feelings for forty-five years. It’s time to try something new. It’s time to face them. It’s time I lean in.
And time I learn more about them. So, with an emotional wheel I downloaded from the internet; I’m finally going about trying to put a name to different emotions. It’s honestly about damn time. I can’t just know sad, mad, glad. That is emotionally stunted and it’s affecting me negatively.
Because all emotions are part of the human experience. We were made to feel them all.
Some are pleasant; others are uncomfortable, but none of them are inherently good or bad. They just exist. And we are supposed to feel them all throughout life.
And they are not going anywhere. It’s time to accept them. I hope, through submission and observation, I am able to find empowerment over my feelings.